1897: Catalogue of Certain Works, Heretical and Otherwise
Rescued from the Library at Mallard House (Privately Printed)
No. 47.
De Vacuis Titulis: Or, A Treatise on Empty Names.
London, 1768. Small octavo. Anon.
A thin tract, once circulated in coffee-houses, declaring that titles are as empty as they are ancient. Suppressed shortly after appearance; this copy bears the discreet bookplate of the 12th Earl of Brentford. Extremely rare.
No. 52.
L’Hérésie de l’Hérédité.
Paris, Chez Lemaître, 1772. 12mo.
Attributed (without proof) to the Marquis de Sanspatrie. Satirises the pretensions of dukes with the aphorism: “Ce n’est pas la naissance qui fait l’homme, mais sa sottise qui le défait.” Condemned by the Sorbonne; few copies survive.
No. 61.
The Noble Ape: A Comparative Essay.
London, 1785. 8vo.
Printed for R. Dodsley. A work in which the descent of noble families is likened to the antics of simians. Suppressed on the orders of the Lord Chamberlain. Note in pencil by a former owner: “Apes do better.”
No. 64.
On the Continuance of Titles.
Dublin, 1794. By “A Gentleman of No Fortune.”
A thin satire in the mode of Swift, questioning the perpetuity of houses ducal. Mallard copy interleaved with manuscript notes—possibly by the 36th Duke himself.
No. 70.
De Mallardo, Depravato.
Oxon., 1803. 4to.
In mock-scholarly Latin, purporting to trace the degeneration of the Fitzartur line. The Mallard arms on title-page defaced by an unknown hand. Motto much quoted: “Familia quae se perpetuam credit, perpetuo ridicula est.”
No. 76.
A Short Defence of Long Genealogies.
Dublin, 1810.
Its irony frequently lost on the nobility who purchased it in quantity. Marginalia in this copy (by Lady Selina Fitzartur, c.1825) betray her irritation at its arguments.
No. 84.
Les Canards et les Canards.
Geneva, 1822.
Satirical jeu d’esprit equating the noble Canards with the vulgar canard (falsehood). Banned in France and England; copies smuggled in gilt-edged bindings marked “Missal.”
No. 91.
Epistola ad Voltaire.
Manuscript on vellum, c. 1764.
A letter, purporting to be from Edward Fitzartur (styled at the time Viscount Anetis) to M. de Voltaire, protesting that “our English Dukes are but Frenchmen gone stale.” Ink faded, seal partly intact. Hand unverified; likely a 19th-century forgery. Nonetheless treasured by the deMallards, who pencilled: “Proof of our wit.”
No. 97.
Le Livre du Canard Noir.
Lyon, 1689. 12mo.
Said to be a satirical almanac lampooning noble pretensions with woodcut ducks in coronets. No other copy known; some scholars suspect this to be an elaborate in-house jest of the Mallard librarians. Bound in contemporary calf, gilt edges.
No. 102.
The Mallard Prophecy.
Oxford, 1723. Broadside.
Allegedly foretells that “when a Lady Alice dons a man’s hat, the line shall quack no more.” Pencilled note (19th c.): “Absurd but amusing at picnics.” Provenance doubtful.
No. 109.
Fragmentum Genealogicum.
Latin MS fragment on parchment, found loose among the papers of the 36th Duke. Begins “De Mallardo gens perpetua…” but abruptly breaks off. Modern hand in margin: “Almost certainly contrived by a clerk on half-pay.”
No. 114.
On the Decay of Noble Brains.
Edinburgh, 1809. Pamphlet, 20pp.
Anonymous (possibly Dr. Gall of phrenological fame). Argues that the “cranial bumps” of the aristocracy are flatter by generation. Rare, as most copies burned by offended peers.
No. 127.
The Book of Mallard Dreams.
Undated manuscript, bound in embroidered velvet (now frayed). Contains a series of nocturnal visions allegedly dreamt by successive Dukes, dutifully recorded by household chaplains. Includes entries such as “a swan with a crown devoured by a black duck” and “a lady in a top-hat fleeing eastward with jewels.” Experts doubt antiquity; handwriting varies from 18th to 19th century.
No. 132.
Testamentum Especiae.
Supposedly the last will of Marquise Espèce de Canard, written “in her own perfumes” on paper so faint it is scarcely legible. Claims to leave “all my hats and my honour to the wind.” Cataloguer’s note: “Almost certainly a drawing-room prank of the 1820s but treasured as it bolsters the legend.”
No. 139.
Liber Quaternarum Generum.
A so-called “secret Mallard gospel,” in clumsy Latin, asserting that the four estates of England are actually four kinds of poultry, of which “the Duck is most noble, the Goose is Parliament, the Hen the People and the Cock the Crown.” Marginalia in later hand: “Blasphemous but apt.”
No. 147.
Mallardum Arcanum.
Small octavo, calf. Said to be the private diary of a Fitzartur scion, who claims the Dukedom persists only through “a pact with the River Spirits.” Almost certainly a Gothic romance manuscript mistaken for history.
No. 150.
Inventarium Ridiculorum.
A list of “lost Mallard relics”: a coronet made of feathers; a signet ring shaped like a beak; and the “Sacred Duck Egg” said to have survived the French Revolution hidden in a bonnet. All items untraced.
Addenda (19th-c. deMallard hand):
“These volumes may or may not exist. Whether they did or whether they do, is immaterial: their inclusion testifies to the breadth of our inheritance.”
Addenda (deMallard hand):
“These entries must not be made public. Let posterity laugh elsewhere. To us, they are of value as curiosities, if not for their accuracy.”
Note in the deMallard hand (pencilled at front):
“Though scandalous in their day, these books are curiosities only. Yet, by preserving them, we prevent lesser hands from controlling the narrative of our line.”
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