Appendix XII. De Continuo Blandiorum
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the great houses of England and France, though divided by sea and custom, were never wholly sustained by their titular heads but by the patient (and often perfidious) labours of those who attended upon them. Among such, none were more constant than the Blandys—a name which recurs through ledgers, parish rolls and court transcripts alike.
Scholars dispute whether the Blandys were truly one family (una gens servilis) or rather a convenient label affixed to successive generations of servants, clerks, mistresses and parasites. Whatever the case, their persistence across centuries is beyond doubt and may be tabulated as follows:
XVIIth century (temp. Car. II):
– Blandius Stabularius, the groom, “often drunk, seldom honest.”(1)
– Blandia Scutellaria, a scullery maid whose cracked hands served as ledger of her toil.
– Blandius Candelarius, the butler, noted for pilfering wax as well as confidences.
XVIIIth century (temp. Georgii):
– Blandia Domestica, the housekeeper, keeper of her own private accounts.
– Blandius Valettus, who wore his master’s breeches to taverns, “a prince in rags.”
– Blandia Praeceptrix, governess, “more feared than loved, with a pen as sharp as a bodkin.”(2)
XIXth century (aetas hypocriseos):
– Blandia Fenestra, maid-of-all-work, mistaken for her mistress at the drawing-room window (cf. The Scurrilous Rag, 1901).
– Blandius Calculista, clerk, who “balanced ledgers by day, unbalanced reputations by night.”
– Blandia Nutrix, nurse, “faithful until offered better terms by the chemist.”
XXth century (saeculum bellum et venenum):
– Blandius Automobilis, chauffeur, whose speed varied with the Duchess’s company.
– Blandia Secretaria, typist, adept in both love-letters and blackmail notes.
– Blandia Coqua, cook, remembered chiefly for the thallium blancmange incident (Sydney, 1947).(3)
XXIst century (aetas digitalis simulacri):
– Blandius Consultor, who billed for stolen advice.
– Blandia Imaginaria, “lifestyle manager,” though whose life she improved remains uncertain.
– Blandia Historica, compiler of the Fitzartur chronicles, inserting just enough error to ensure her own name endured in the archive.
Thus the Blandy Continuum: not a family but a condition—like mildew or debt—recurring wherever Mallards or Fitzarturs made their nests.
(1): “Often drunk, seldom honest.” Parish record of Mallard St. Etheldreda, 1663.
(2): Domesticae Epistolae, Vol. II, p. 117.
(3): See The Trial of Mrs Thompson, Sydney Gazette, 1947—though some argue the candied ginger episode has been much embroidered.
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